It has taken me decades to recognize that I have unprocessed trauma. I’ve had experiences (like most of us have) that left deep wounds in need of God’s healing touch. Layer by layer, God has pulled back the scar tissue to expose the hard truth of my experiences and the unhealthy responses I’ve had to it all. God has walked me through this necessary, but difficult process, so that what left me in pain both physically and emotionally could have a chance at healing, and I could be restored by the power of His Word and perfect love for me.
I’ve had to learn to forgive the people involved—which has been much more difficult of a process than I ever expected. Why? Because we can make the conscious decision to forgive, and truly mean it with all our hearts, but need more time to process the pain we’ve experienced, the complexities of the trauma, and its impact on our brains and physiology in light of the truth of God’s Word and the glorious grace and freedom we’ve been given in the finished work of the cross of Jesus Christ that cancels every debt and sets all involved parties free. This is not something we can make happen in our own strength and timing. Only God can do it, according to His timing and by His power alone.
One thing I didn’t expect to have to learn was to let go—not just of the hurt, through the forgiveness process, but of a close relationship with someone I loved deeply. It was at this point, I came to a crossroads in my healing journey, and I didn’t know which way to go. This was new territory for me, not having ever had to end a relationship with someone I thought would be a part of my life forever. I prayed, fasted, and sought wise council in search of God’s will. I scoured God’s Word, and continued to look to God for wisdom in what to do in my struggle. The answers I received were all in agreement: you must leave the past in the past and completely let go. Don’t look back! And yet, I couldn’t seem to let go. It felt too hard. The consequences of letting go too harsh of a reality to accept.
Something in me I couldn’t define was still holding on. Despite the many signs, sermons, and pieces of advice I had received, I hadn’t yet felt it in my spirit: the unmistakable voice of the Lord confirming that letting go completely and releasing all responsibility for the relationship’s potential future to God was the right thing to do. I needed to hear from God in a way that left no room for me doubt that I had done my part, and I had heard Him correctly.
There’s a confidence that comes with the clarity God brings through His Holy Spirit. His truth revealed brings confirmation that settles anxiety. It produces a faith confident enough to surrender it all, opening the way for breakthrough and deliverance to occur. Until I received His Word and experienced His undeniable voice leading me, I knew I would remain stuck, unable to fully let go and move on. I had determined I could not stand confidently on anything but God—not my own thoughts, not others people’s advice (no matter how sound), not my interpretation of Scripture, or what I perceived God was calling me to do. No, in this situation, I had to know beyond the shadow of a doubt it was the Lord.
The decision to let go of something, or someone, can be one of the most difficult things we do during our time here on earth. However, letting go can be what becomes necessary at times for a variety of reasons. Some of which may include: 1) We are clinging too tightly to something or someone other than Christ. We’ve created an unholy spiritual tie to it/them. 2) Hanging on is no longer God’s will for us, whether we know and understand the reason or not. It can be a mystery. 3) It’s no longer beneficial to our emotional, physical, or spiritual well-being to hold on. It may be causing us more harm than good. 4) Holding on is keeping us from drawing close to God. We’ve become more focused on that something or someone. 5) We have become obsessed with it/them. So much so, we’ve become a slave to it, not necessarily the person or thing, but our thoughts and emotions are being held captive. We’ve lost sight of our true purpose. 6) It is a temptation and leading us to sin. 7) It’s a new season of life, and God is saying it’s time to move on. He’s doing a new thing!
In my struggle to discern God’s will for my situation, I repeated the words that had been palpably stirring in my heart for at least a week. God’s Word, saying to me, “it is finished” (John 19:30). Then, I asked God to give me a sign. I asked Him for something that I could look to daily to remind me the need to keep holding on was indeed finished, I was no longer responsible for the relationship, I wasn’t misunderstanding His Word for me, and I could fully let go. A concrete visual reminder to help me remember God’s will and Word, and the answer to prayer I trusted God would soon speak to my heart, should I have a day of mental weakness or spiritual amnesia somewhere down the road.
Faithful and timely as always, God answered this prayer in the most beautiful, unexpected way . . . in a sunset.
My husband and I had driven down to one of our favorite beaches in Coronado, CA, in front of the famous Hotel Del Coronado. There we found a spot to watch the sunset together along the boardwalk. As I watched the sun sink lower in the sky, I took notice of it beginning to dip below the horizon line. I was reminded of the proverbial line in the sand that we must draw to our past to set a boundary for our lives between what was and what is. It appeared the sun was setting on what I knew, deep down, I could no longer hold onto—someone who was all too quickly becoming a part of my past, not my foreseeable future.
This horizon line, though, it was far off in the distance from where we sat. Soon, the sun that would set below the horizon, the relationship I was holding onto with it, and they would both be out of sight and beyond reach.
There was a safety I felt in the distance being created between me and that horizon line. It was then I saw the boundary line in a new way. Not as a hard line, but as a protection, God’s mercy, a gift of profound grace. Like the intercession of Jesus Christ, who stands in the gap for all of us. I took notice that between me and that distant horizon line, lay a seemingly limitless, vast ocean, and I was reminded of “how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ” (Ephesians 3:18).
In the space between the orangey pink of the sunset sky and the vast blue Pacific Ocean, I recognized God had given that same unwavering, horizon line the power to prevent the sun from reversing course. I imagined I could hold out my hand to try and hold onto the light of what little amount of sunlight remained, to stop it in its course and keep it from disappearing from sight, but I knew the light would continue to slip through my fingers like sand through an hourglass.
The sun, like time, can only continue along the same path, always moving forward in the same direction, never backward. And yet, I didn’t feel the need to make time stand still in that moment. Instead, I was accepting of the reality of what I was witnessing take place. There was a new feeling of peace I was experiencing in witnessing God bring closure to what I now finally understood was entirely outside of my control; a gentleness and grace only God could orchestrate to what was otherwise a harsh reality too painful for me to accept.
There was an unmistakable beauty in what I was beholding. I suddenly realized that I could appreciate the day for what it was and not try to hold onto it. I could recount the special moments we’d shared and see value in them without trying to stop the end from coming. Because in coming to the end of it, to the end of myself, I could look forward to the dawn of a new day. The next day the sun would rise again, and there would the opportunity to embrace all that God had in store. I could praise God for this day, from the rising of the sun to the place where He had determined it would set (see Psalm 113:3).
(Pictured Above: Actual sunset photo taken on the day of this event.)
Psalm 113:3—this was the same Word God had given me when my grandmother passed away a few years before. The sun set on her life here on earth. I had deeply grieved losing her, but knew God was good and I could trust Him with her. I praised Him for her life and the time I had been given with her, and for all He was doing that was beyond my ability to comprehend and control. In this same way, I knew I could trust God again with this relationship as I let it go. I could thank Him and praise Him for the blessings I had received from it, and be grateful for the time I had been given with this person, instead of continuing to count my losses.
The Bible says, “Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me” (John 12:25–26).
What I take this Scripture to mean, is it’s because of what Jesus did for us when He willingly gave up His own life, letting it go, that we “will keep it [our life] for eternal life.” Jesus modeled this for us, so we could know how much He loves us, and so we would make the daily decision to lay down our lives for Him in total surrender. The beauty in surrendering it all to Jesus, is that we can experience peace, where peace cannot be found, because we believe one day God will right every wrong, call to account, reverse, restore, and heal completely. We can have joy, even in grief, because we believe that one day God will make all things new!
On the cross, just before He breathed His last, Jesus declared, “It is finished” (John 19:30). His death accomplishing all that was needed to pay off every debt owed to us, and every debt we owe, so that those who believe in Him can experience victory instead of defeat, life from death, and closure to all that remains unfinished here on earth.
(Pictured Above: Actual post-sunset photo taken on the day of this event.)
In knowing the battle has already been won, death has been defeated, and Jesus has overcome the world, our hope is renewed and we are encouraged to continue to love as Jesus loves us. A chapter of your life may have come to a close, but the story of your life, and of what God is still at work doing, is far from over. I’ve heard it said, “If it’s not good, God’s not done.”
Trust Him. Wait for Him. The sun will rise again . . .
A Song of Praise:
Oh, sun shining bright, how your rays fill me with delight, reminding me of my Father up above. His love warming my skin, warming my heart. He’s always with me. My Father watches over me—lighting my way, brightening my day, burning away the heaviness of the morning dew. I soak in His promises for each new day. I embrace the opportunity to choose joy for this life He’s given me. As the sun rises each morning, so I rise up and sing. The risen sun, reminding me of the Risen Son. Praise to the God I love!