I had a lightbulb moment at the beginning of my quest for the root cause of my struggle with anxiety and fear. “Would anyone like to close us in prayer?” Every week, my small group Bible study leader asked this question—and every week I dreaded it. Her request always made me feel so uncomfortable, as if I was on the spot. All of us in the group squirmed in our seats, wondering who would be the one to volunteer on our behalf. One week, I remember sitting in silence, waiting for someone else to agree to pray, when I heard a gentle voice within me say, speak up and pray for everyone. Say you’ll do it! It was the Holy Spirit urging me to volunteer to pray.
Suddenly my heart began racing, my palms got all sweaty, and I could feel my cheeks burning. Not only did I feel my normal insecurity about praying publicly, but now conviction was burdening my heart, too. Still, I didn’t open my mouth. I sat there stubbornly holding my breath, deliberately trying to avoid direct eye contact with anyone in the room. What if I fumbled over my words, or worse, forgot to pray over someone’s personal prayer request?
After a long minute, a voice across from me interrupted my stream of thought. “I’ll pray.” Whew! I was off the hook—or so I thought. The wave of temporary relief I felt quickly came crashing down into a sea of deep conviction. The uncomfortable silence had passed, true. But I failed to obey God’s voice. I had missed an opportunity to allow God to speak through me and to bless my group—all because of my fear.
If you’ve ever participated in a church small group before, chances are you’re familiar with the above scenario. Just to be clear, the conflict I felt was not because my leader was putting us on the spot to pray. The issue was my struggle with fear. All I needed was to stop being so concerned about what others thought of ability to pray, quiet my soul, and simply speak to God. Instead, I gave into fear. I stayed silent. This was exactly what the enemy wanted.
This scenario repeated itself almost weekly, every time my small group met. It felt like too much—and my fear of praying publicly was just one of many fears I dealt with regularly! I realized it was time to stop the fear cycle and get to the bottom of what was triggering all my anxiety and fear.
Identifying small group prayers as an anxiety trigger was a jumping off point—one of the first times I realized fear was controlling my life. It was also distinct, making it one of the easier triggers to begin unpacking. In excavating your past, it will take time to dig down deep and find the source of your pain. You will have to find a place to start digging like I did. Commit to the process of gaining wisdom and make an investment of time and energy. If you’re like me, you will sometimes feel the process is taking longer than it should. You may dig down deep into your past—as far as you think you can possibly go—only to sense God saying, keep digging, you’re not there yet.
The truth is, God has been with you during every moment of your life, and He knows what experiences are still causing hurt in your heart. As children and adults, we often bury our pain, whether intentionally or unintentionally, vowing never to let it see the light of day. It may have happened so long ago that you have completely forgotten what you hid in the first place. Maybe you don’t know what is now causing such emotional distress; you only see the precarious emotional reactions, anxiety or other, that certain circumstances now provoke.
Rest assured, your exaggerated emotional reactions are not crazy. Your “crazy” has a place of origin. It’s been trying to stay hidden. It does not want to be found out. You see, the enemy of your soul, the devil, is doing all that he can to confuse, shame, and distract you from seeing the truth. He wants to keep you from getting to the root of your pain because he knows that once uncovered, that suffocating weed can be cut out of your life and it will be unable to continue tormenting you.
God knows exactly where the root of your fear is hiding out, even if you don’t yet. As you draw near to God and ask for His wisdom, He will reveal the hidden things to you (See Matthew 10:26), allowing you to walk in a level of freedom and closeness with Him you had only dreamed about. The Bible tells us:
“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
—Hebrews 4:13
Whether you’re dealing with anxiety, fear, depression, anger, shame, unforgiveness, or any other deeply rooted issue, the Lord will point you in the right direction and show you where to start digging. “This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name: ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know’” (Jeremiah 33:2–3).
King Solomon, the richest and wisest king who ever lived, recognized that wisdom was worth far more than riches. One night, the Lord appeared to Solomon in a dream, and said, “Ask for whatever you want me to give you” (1 Kings 3:5). Of all the things Solomon could have asked for, he asked the Lord for a discerning heart. We too can ask God for this. In James 1:5, the Bible says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
The Lord gives wisdom to all who ask Him for it, but this wisdom does not always come easily. Don’t let this discourage you! Instead, apply yourself to the task ahead. Pray for wisdom. Be patient, but persistent. Seek the Lord and follow His lead. As the Bible says, we will have to seek wisdom like one might look for buried treasure:
My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding—indeed, if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. —Proverbs 2:1–5
Maybe you’re thinking, why doesn’t God just tell me what I need to know? Why do I have to hunt and search for the answers? The thing is, God wants to draw you closer to Himself. If He just gave you all the answers, you wouldn’t need to seek Him out. When we learn to seek God first, above all else, the answers will come, and the wisdom you gain from going through this process will be well worth the time and energy it will cost you. The Lord tells us, “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7).
When Solomon so wisely asked God for a discerning heart with which to serve the Lord rather than fame or fortune, God not only granted his request, but He also gave him what he had not asked for—great wealth and honor. In our pursuit for wisdom and healing, may we not lose sight of what’s most important—our relationship with the Lord!
Often a situation unravels so fast in the heat of the moment that we can’t process it, and we don’t take the time later to reflect on what happened to cause the problem in the first place. We may be so busy reacting that we have scarcely stopped to ask ourselves why we are reacting at all! It’s after the heat of the moment has passed that we need to stop and find out the why—and that takes some digging. So, friend, take out your shovel, bucket, trowel, and brush, this is the time to start excavating your past!
