My friend texted me Tuesday afternoon at 4 p.m., “Silly question—I have extra tickets for the Star Wars Disneyland private event tonight. Would you guys want them for free? It goes until 1:00 a.m.” Knowing my son is a Star Wars fanatic, and being it was the eve of May the 4th Be With You (which if you don’t know is widely known as Star Wars Day by any true Star Wars fan), she knew we would be very interested. However, there was an issue. The tickets may have been free, but it was already after 4 p.m., and with at least 2 hours of driving time the soonest we would be able to get there would be close to 8 p.m. Not to mention it was a school night, and if we stayed until 1 a.m. we wouldn’t get home until approximately 3 a.m. My husband had to work, and therefore, would not available to come with us. Which meant this already very tired mama would have to take full responsibility for safely driving myself and my kids to and from Disneyland—something I did not feel physically capable of. If only there were another adult available who could come with us, I thought. Then I wouldn’t have to worry if I didn’t feel up to driving the whole way. They could take over for me. We called around to ask if anyone was up for said adventure, but it was just too last minute to find anyone and too late of a night.
Everything in me wanted to say, “yes, let’s do this!” I wanted to be the spontaneous, fun mom that didn’t shy away from an amazing opportunity for an adventure. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and not worry about all the what if’s, to be “irresponsible” for a day and go out and have some fun. I saw the pleading in my son’s eyes. I knew this opportunity would literally be a dream come true for him. How could I say no, right?
Yet, I did. I actually said, “no.” I felt I had to. I didn’t want to put myself and my kids in a dangerous situation where we couldn’t safely make it home. Had I planned on signing up that day to be a dream killer? Of course not! Unfortunately, it just happened.
His disappointment broke my heart and I started crying. I couldn’t help it. I thought to myself, why should he have to miss out on something so amazing just because I’m not up for it? The truth is, I put so much energy every day into making my kids’ dreams come true, that when I can’t make something happen for them that they want and deserve, or think I’ve disappointed them in some way, I have a really difficult time letting it go. It makes me feel like a failure as a mom. Riley assured me that even though he was disappointed to be missing out on the Star Wars event, he was not blaming anyone for it. He understood why I felt I had to say, no.
My daughter, Janie, then came up to me and said she couldn’t believe I had even considered going in the first place. She said she would be falling asleep herself at that late hour, and therefore, wouldn’t expect me to be able to stay awake and drive us all home. Janie then said something that really touched my heart deeply. After grabbing me by the shoulders, pulling me in close so that we were eye-to-eye, she said:
“I want you to know that I am praying for you, that God would help you to believe that you are perfectly loved—not because of anything you do for anyone else, but just because of who you are. Wonderful, amazing you! You don’t have to do anything to earn our love. You are who we love, not the things you do for us.”
Tears were gushing from my eyes as I held her close. I knew she was right and that these beautiful words she had spoken were all true, so why was I still struggling to believe them in my heart of hearts? I know the core of it is a kind of PTSD I still struggle with. Somewhere along the way I started to believe two lies: I am not enough. I am not loved. These two lies were not independent of one another, either. At my core I believed, if I am not enough I will not be loved. I know better now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes get what author Ann Voskamp refers to as “soul amnesia”—where I forget the truth of who God is, what He’s taught me, and the faithfulness of His steady, consistent, perfect love for me.
Even if you don’t struggle with these same two lies straight out of the pit of hell, I know as mothers we are always trying to do right by our kids. We want to give them the world. We struggle to keep up with all the demands on our time and energy, and often question whether we are doing enough for our families. If this is something you sometimes find yourself struggling with too, I want to remind you this Mother’s Day of what I keep having to remind myself of: you are perfectly loved. Mother, Daughter, Grandmother, Father, Son, Grandfather—God loves you! While I certainly pray that you feel extra loved and special every day by the people in your life, the truth is we cannot depend on others to fill our cup in a way that only God himself is capable of doing. Our heavenly Father has all the love you need. Depend on Him alone to fill your cup, and He will fill it to overflowing.
I love the way Psalm 103:2–17 (TPT) describes some of how our heavenly Father loves us so perfectly. This section of Scripture is actually titled, “Our Father’s Love.” It says:
Yahweh, you are my soul’s celebration. How could I ever forget the miracles of kindness you’ve done for me?
You kissed my heart with forgiveness, in spite of all I’ve done.
You’ve healed me inside and out from every disease.
You’ve rescued me from hell and saved my life.
You’ve crowned me with love and mercy.
You satisfy my every desire with good things.
You’ve supercharged my life so that I soar again like a flying eagle in the sky!
You’re a God who makes things right, giving justice to the defenseless.
You unveiled to Moses your plans and showed Israel’s sons what you could do.
Lord, you’re so kind and tenderhearted and so patient with people who fail you!
Your love is like a flooding river overflowing its banks with kindness.
You don’t look at us only to find our faults, just so that you can hold a grudge against us.
You may discipline us for our many sins, but never as much as we really deserve. Nor do you get even with us for what we’ve done.
Higher than the highest heavens—that’s how high your tender mercy extends!
Greater than the grandeur of heaven above is the greatness of your loyal love, towering over all who fear you and bow down before you!
Farther than from a sunrise to a sunset—that’s how far you’ve removed our guilt from us.
The same way a loving father feels toward his children—that’s but a sample of your tender feelings toward us, your beloved children, who live in awe of you.
You know all about us, inside and out. You are mindful that we’re made from dust.
Our days are so few, and our momentary beauty so swiftly fades away! Then all of a sudden we’re gone, like grass clippings blown away in a gust of wind, taken away to our appointment with death, leaving nothing to show that we were here.
But Lord, your endless love stretches from one eternity to the other, unbroken and unrelenting toward those who fear you and those who bow facedown in awe before you.
Your faithfulness to keep every gracious promise you’ve made passes from parents, to children, to grandchildren, and beyond.
Bottom line: you have a heavenly Father who is eager to show you His love in a billion different ways. Keep looking to Him, praying to Him with an open heart, praising and worshipping Him, and searching His Word to understand more of who He is—and you will be consistently reminded that you are indeed, perfectly loved! His love will satisfy your every desire with good things! Kind, tender, patient, loyal, strong, steady, unbroken, unrelenting, and endless is His great love!
Shout out this Mother’s Day to my two amazing children, Riley and Janie, who made me a mother: I’m so grateful to God for how you love me so well, and the opportunity I have every day to love you in return.
And to my husband, Todd: Thank you for sticking with me through thick and thin and loving me so much. Our family couldn’t get along without you. Plus, you may have had a little something to do with how I became a mother to our two, not-so-little-anymore blessings. I love you so much!
